Washington, DC – November 7, 2028:
Exit polling data and preliminary vote counts from today’s election point to Tulsi Gabbard becoming the 47th president of the United States. President-Elect Gabbard was seen as the clear favorite to win after the “American Crisis” and the subsequent dissolution of the Antifa Party due to severe human rights abuses. Tulsi Gabbard’s victory marks several firsts. She will become the first president who is female, vegetarian, Hindu, and of Samoan descent.
Ms. Gabbard calls herself an independent, but was backed by the budding “Unity Party”, which helped her raise money, organize rallies, and run advertisements. After learning of her victory, Tulsi Gabbard said that “Today is a great day for America. I look forward to helping get this country back on track and making it greater than ever before. We’re all in this together!” There were cheering crowds and honking in the streets of major cities, and a general air of hope for the future.
The country seems to finally be getting around to understanding that identity politics are no longer a winning strategy.
-Internet Host David Rabin
All was not peaceful, however, as far-left Antifa supporters were also seen protesting and rioting in various cities. One loud female Antifa supporter we came across in Berkeley was extremely livid, screaming, “She is not our president! She is a racist, misogynist, sell-out. She’s a porch-monkey c**t! I fight for the end of racism and sexism everyday, and I’m not going to stop!” It is unknown what policies this Antifa supporter was referring to, but it may have been Ms. Gabbard’s failure to sign an Antifa petition to “Throw all white cis hetero males out of government.” Masked assailants waving Antifa flags burned several storefronts in cities including Baltimore, St. Louis, Detroit, Chicago, and Berkeley. Reports have come in of arrests made in all of these cases. As has become customary with Antifa rioters, many of the businesses burned and looted are minority-owned, while a majority of Antifa rioters came from richer suburbs. This has led to many disadvantaged urban neighborhoods to turn their backs on Antifa and view them as the enemy.
Today is a great day for America. I look forward to helping get this country back on track and making it greater than ever before. We’re all in this together!
– President-Elect Tulsi Gabbard
On the electoral-map, Ms. Gabbard’s victory appears to be a major one, with the most opposition coming from far-left and far-right areas of the country, such as California, Massachusetts, Alabama, and Mississippi. Many of the traditionally Republican mountain states such as Idaho and Montana voted Unity, as did traditionally Democratic states, such as Vermont, Minnesota, and New York.
Numerous internet news analysts, commentators, and pundits have pointed to the possible emergence of a “new center”, with people fed up with identity politics, radical policies of both the right and left, and “politics as usual”. Popular internet host David Rabin has stated that “The country seems to finally be getting around to understanding that identity politics are no longer a winning strategy.”
Photo: “Tulsi Gabbard”, by United States Congress